After A Long Delay - He Returns

Code Name: The Slump Buster
Date: October 23
Time: 7:00pm - too late
Location: Minnetonka, MN

Now I know there's a reason that I'm still single, and although I don't really know exactly why, I do know that I'm not ready to settle. This girl clearly was. I have to preface this story with the fact that I DID give her my business card upon meeting her for the first time at my place of work. In every sense of the word, that classifies me as a tool, but ONLY if my intentions were to hit on her. To this day I still say that I gave her my business card to her so I could help her gather more connections for volunteers. Others call BS on this, which in a way, I can't blame them. Maybe the rest of this story will at least allow you to hear how it ended (or is ending).

I invited the Slump Buster to hang out at a club where a couple of my friends were watching another friend of ours shred the drums for his local Wisconsin band. The band sounded ok, the sound system was brutal, but the drinks were good. She showed up at about 10:30 and we stayed until 1:30ish. The bands got worse as the night wore on, but for the most part, she seemed to be a pretty cook chick. So I thought I'd call her up in a couple of days to meet up again...Friday we decided to meet up again, which seemed like a logical progression in the dating phase.

"How much to you think I weigh?" she says with a wry smile. I immediately had a good feeling that this date was going to be bloggable. We had met up for a nice dinner at Maynards. I was almost more excited to order the buffalo chicken than I was to see her, but that's neither here nor there. All in all, I was excited to test the dating waters again and see if I still had "it" (Megan Chung, yes, I stole this from you). Anyway, the Slump Buster literally asked me the aforementioned question about 2 minutes into our conversation. Mind you that this was a double date, and I had just met the other couple as well. The guy seemed really cool and we were talking about sports when the Slump Buster breaks into the conversation and asks how much I thought she weighed.

Insert record skipping sound.

So I'm thinking, 'Ok do I bail right now and get my buffalo chicken to go/stiff her on her overpriced drink, OR, do I give her the benefit of the doubt and laugh it off/tell her she's crazy?' I try the latter. In the thickest Minnesota accent you've ever heard, she's like, 'OH-GOOOOD-ANSWER--LIKE-I-DON'T-KNOOOOW-THAT-I-WEIGH-OOOOVER-160-POUNDS.-I-BET-YOU-DOOOON'T-EVEN-WEIGH-THAT-MUCH-EH?' So I laughed again and quickly switched topics to the first thing on my mind -- the Vikings and Brett Favre. It actually went over pretty well, and I've learned that the Brett Favre factor is a pretty polarizing topic, which bought me some time from talking to the Slump Buster and allowed me to talk with this other couple for a little bit longer. I was also trying to prepare for what the next question was going to be. Nothing crazy really happened after that, just the typical stuff, so I figured that she was just nervous and I was overreacting.

Wrong.

We went to her place to play Apples to Apples with this other couple (great game!). We played for like 2 hours and were having a blast! I said a bunch of witty comments and really felt like I was doing well. In a way, I was playing my cards right both figuratively and literally (uhhh derk derk derk). She asks if I want to see her room, and me, being somewhat lubricated, agree. Boys and girls, my intentions were good, and don't worry, there is no way things are going to get out of control on the second date, right?

Wrong.

I'm looking around at pictures of family (maybe), friends (maybe), pets (who knows? I'm still preparing my filler questions in my mind at this point), and the first and second seasons of Mad Men. As soon as I get ready to ask about Mad Men (very safe, very introductory question), I turn around and get suplexed onto her makeshift bed, which was startling, yet she had really nice Egyptian cotton sheets (not kidding). She proceeded to start dominating my face like it was a crow pecking at a fresh carcass. Seriously dominating my face, gang. Like literally licking my lips, nose, neck, etc. It finally got to the point where I was like, 'what the f is she doing?' but I didn't have a chance to come up for air. Out of nowhere, she stops and asks if I went to college in Cincinnati (had to be leaked information from an intern that works for us). I tell her that I did, and she mentions that she was an intern with a local college summer league team, and 'interns get to know the players pretty well, if you know what I mean...'

I did.

So now I have a 170+ pound (confirmed as she was on top of me) baseball slut licking my face like it's going out of style. "Baseball slut" is a term that is commonly known among college baseball teams. Another term that is synonymous is a "Slump Buster". Slump Busters have this name because typically they are proportionately challenged, enjoy having second helpings at the OCB, and LOVE baseball players. I am proud to admit that I've never associated with this sector of the baseball world, and I never will. This chick DID NOT LOOK LIKE A SLUMP BUSTER, but she had all the characteristics, which is bad enough in my book.

Anyway, it's 2am and I have to present at a conference the next morning at 8:30. I'm 40 minutes from my house in St. Paul --- and she knows it. She's thinking that I'm going to spend the night with her and drive into work in the morning because it's closer. She's going to close the deal on a second date with a former division I college baseball player. Unfortunately for her, I have D3 velocity on an NAIA frame, but in her mind, she's still living the pipe dream of getting another D1 notch on her belt. Maybe she'd never bagged a reliever before...who knows?

Here's what I do know: she's not bagging me.

I jumped up. Kissed her on her cheek (had to so it would be less awkward) and said that I had to leave. Sometimes making it like a band aid is the best way to do it. So I threw my shoes on, jumped in the car and left. As I'm driving away, I am THANKING GOD that I didn't friend this chick on Facebook. As I'm driving, I'm getting emoticon texts like they're going out of style. Mother f'ing jk's, ;)'s, lol's, rolf, etc.

And thus ends another short lived relationship of 2 days...

I'm trying something new with this chick. I'm not doing the "this isn't working out" technique because I hate unnecessary controversy, especially with someone this high strung. Instead, I'm resorting to texts. Slowly I'm going to faze this girl out with texts. I'm never going to call again. Yes, I'm going to be that shallow, ladies, but do you blame me? This chick is single for a reason too, and although I should probably be the one to tell her, I don't care enough to say it to her straight. Call me a coward, but I'd rather be a coward without an STD. If I really thought that she was a classy broad, I'd call her, ask to meet up, and say it to her straight. With her, though, I refuse to go down that road. If I see her again, I'll tell her, but until then, just call me Tommy Text-A-Lot.

Not the best way to end a blog, I know. But that's about all I have for now. I met another girl that has potential this week. Will blog later about her. Met her through a friend from church (bonus point #1) and has free Gopher hockey tickets on Friday PM (bonus point #8-9). Seems nice so far. Maybe I'll blog again, maybe not. But until then, this is a disease-free Owen Kings gladly staying in his slump...

OK52

Week 4

Her name was Vern.

As you know, my initial plan for this week's blog was to bag a snow bunny from the slopes. Unfortunately a cold, heartless woman had other plans for me, and she was therefore the longest, most expensive date of my life.

I pulled out of the Cities Wednesday afternoon high on life and full energy. Near the Prior Lake exit on 169, the my green machine Honda Civic began to rattle. Initially I thought it was a soda can in the console, so I pulled it out and turned my music down to make sure that was it.

Wrong.

My right wheel was shaking and making a horrific sound probably similar to what Greg Lougainis heard just before his face smoked the spring board in the '88 Olympics. I decided to call ahead and schedule an appointment at the Vern Eide dealership in Sioux Falls where I bought the car 4 years ago since I was heading that way anyway.

That pretty much brings me to now. I'm on hour 5 in the waiting room, looking at the mechanics stare at my car. About 4 hours ago, their head mechanic let me know that they had all of the parts to fix my axel and that they could get me in right away. So WHY IT TAKES 5+ HOURS TO DO THIS I'LL NEVER KNOW! And also, note to self: If you tell a person that it's going to take 5 hours to fix his car, don't stick his car right in front of the viewing window so he can see just exactly how little an employee is doing. Briefly, here is a quick glimpse of what it would look like if the situation were transfered into my field of work:

• I'd get into my office at about 7:30am for a 7:00am appointment. I was late because on Thursdays mornings I to brush all three of my teeth instead of just drinking mouthwash.


• At 7:35 I'm going to sit down in my swivel chair, stretch and take a look at a work order that just came across my desk the night before.


• At 7:45 I'm going to start reading it because I can't do anything before my free morning coffee.


• At 7:45:05 I'm going to say that I read the work order and call you into my office.


• I'm going to tell you that you'll need to pay me $800 and your order will be complete as soon as possible, but it might take 5 hours. In the meantime, you can sit in the waiting room outside of my office and enjoy the free cookies and coffee that I just coughed all over.


• At 7:50 I'm going to stare at the work order again, call my buddy Jon on the phone and talk to him about how fun it was to hammer tallboys at Pete's Pub the night before.


• At 9:00am, I'll come out of my office, look around and call out your name really loudly as if I weren't watching you the whole time.


• I'll let you know that things are moving along just fine. I should be done with your order in a few more hours. It's just a bit of a complex process to get it completed because I'm not used to reading cursive hand writing.


• From 9:00am-Noon, I'll flip your order around to see if anything was written on the other side. I will also eat a sandwich and spill crumbs all over my office. I know you're watching, but I don't really care because I'm the only one that knows how to complete this order, regardless of how trivial it looks.


• At Noon, I'll come out of my office, look around again and call your name out loudly. You're still the only one in the waiting room. I'll tell you that we ran into a few snags, but we'll get it done as soon as possible.


• From Noon-1:00pm, I'll get up, stretch, and decide to get to work. From 12:05-12:30, I will work on folding your order in half. Then I'll fold the top two flaps inward toward the middle and crease the edges. I'll complete the task by making two more folds and creasing the edges one more time. At 12:55 I'll get out my crayons and draw a pretty red flame on the sides and walk out into the waiting room.


• I'll look around one more time and call your name out loudly. I'll show you the pretty red flames on the side that I added (but out of the kindness of my heart, didn't charge you for) and hand you your brand new paper airplane.

Silver Lining

• I have an "extra strong" front axel, lubed struts, new brake pads, and of course my date Vern "topped off my wiper fluid...free of charge".


• The green machine has "a lot of life left in her", but if I'm interested in financing a new Honda Pilot at only $460 a month for 60 months, Vern has the lowest prices in the nation.

Back in high school, we always used to say that if Rapid City sucked so bad, it was because Sioux Falls blew. Thank you, Sioux Falls Vern Eide Moterwerks for confirming this.

Week 3

Code Name: Wonder Woman
Date: February 22, 2009
Time: All Day
Location: St. Paul, MN

I have a tendency to date girls that are better athletes than me. Long Legs (engaged) was ranked top 5 in division 1 for pole vaulting. Short-But-Sweet (engaged) was was a division 1 tennis player and coach. So when I took Wonder Woman out last Sunday, I had a good idea that it would go well...and that I'd inevitably set her up to get engaged with the next guy she meets after me. Most would call this bad luck...I call it my good deed to society. Wonder Woman, if you're reading this, I had an awesome time with you this week, but the details are irrelevant. Here are some more important obstacles that you should focus on before we go any further. Please read carefully, and beware of any 1990's one hit wonders.

• We're going to have a ton of fun going out to dinner, hanging out with friends of ours, going to ballgames, and talking about the glory days of when we were high school prom kings and queens. Even going through the awkward "5 W's" stage isn't going to be bad because it won't feel like our questions are scripted.


• You're going to like me...a lot. Chances are that over time we may even throw around that "L" word a few times for kicks.


• You're going to have me meet your parents, and they're going to think I'm sweet, polite, and great for you...someone that's going to treat you well.


• After I leave for the night, you're going to go for a drive around town and play some horrible 90's music that made a strong effort to crush the likes of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, and Rage. But you don't care because you're in love and you don't care who knows it. A likely song in this phase of the relationship is Chumbawamba, Tub Thumpin'.


• You'll think of me as "Mr. Right."


• Immediately after you think this, the computer fan in your brain is going to go haywire and require you to press control-alt-delete.


• Your brain will re-boot without you knowing about it, and over night, you'll memorize a number of phrases that sound incredibly eloquent to you. Luckily there's a part of my brain that records these phrases and processes them like a skipping record. In case you're worried that you'll say one of these phrases (Long Legs and Short-But-Sweet, I appreciate your contributions), here's the typical dialogue without the long pauses:

You: "I've been thinking."

Me (subconsciously): "Eject. Eject. Eject! Eje---"
Me (verbally): "Yeah? What's up?"

You: "Have you felt something different about us recently?"

Me (subconsciously): "Why is Chumbawamba on in the background? Didn't that song die with pogs, magic cards, and the cast of Dawson's Creek?"
Me (verbally): "Not really. Actually I've really been happy about where we're heading."

You: "Well me too, don't get me wrong. I just feel like things are going a little too well. Almost like we should slow things down and see where they go from here."

Me (subconsciously): "Wait! I know what to do. Quick, Brad...just bust out a Jerry McGuire line at the end, and everything will be cool. I've got it!"
Me (verbally): "Hey I'm fine with slowing things down, trust me. I'm in no hurry to push things. We're young...just getting on our feet as professionals in our fields. We have a ton of things to learn about each other still. You...complete...me."

You: "What do you think about staying together but keeping the option open for seeing other people?"

Me (subconsciously): "I GET KNOCKED DOWN. BUT I GET UP AGAIN---"
Me (verbally): "That doesn't make sense. You had me at hello."

You: "Listen, I really like you, but I think we need some time off."

Me (subconsciously): "AND IT AIN'T NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN."
Me (verbally): "Shouldn't have dated a Dell, Brad...those fans still don't work properly."

You: "Huh?"

Me: "Later."

You: "Brad, don't do this. You're not making sense."

Me: "It makes perfect sense to me. You suck - I don't. Later."

You: "I'll call you in a we--."

Me: "Later."

You: "--ek."

• About a month later, you're going to think of calling me because you realize that A) I'm a "great guy", B) Amazingly I'm supposed to be happy to hear from you regardless of how things ended between us, and C) I deserve better and you just wanted me to know that (that one never gets old...). You're also calling because I nicely told your parents and siblings to quit calling and texting me since we haven't been together for a month now.


• Within a year or so, you'll text me to let me know that you're engaged to a guy you conveniently started dating a month after me.


• A congratulatory card is in the mail.


• You're welcome (for the marriage, of course. The card was likely recycled)

Silver lining

• Keys Restaurant is incredible! Some of the best breakfast food I've ever had.


• This date was really fun, and even if it goes nowhere, it's always nice to get back on the horse and have a good time with someone.


• Next week I'll be blogging from a condo at Winter Park Resort in Colorado. My goal for the week is shameless and shallow, but nevertheless fun: Find a snow bunny and ask her out on a date. Have you realized how difficult it is to predict what a girl really looks like when she's wearing 3 jackets, 2 pairs of pants, ski boots, a winter hat, and goggles? Then again, she might think that I'm a charming, trust fund baby from Boulder with long, sandy blonde locks. Life is full of surprises...
  
  OK52

Week 2

Code Name: Pink Scarf - Round 2
Date: February 16, 2009
Time: 10:00pm
Location: St. Paul, MN

Note to self: If you don't want another date, end the night with "keep in touch."

The funny thing about it is the fact that I didn't even know that I had said it until she replied, "Wait, what?" Ok so hear me out on this one. Trust me, I'm not that shallow. Here's the low down:

I decided to take project pink scarf on another date. This time had more of a "last week was totally awkward, let's try masking it with friends around us so I can avoid talking again...but I still really like you" feel to it. Well, after a night of buffalo wings and trivia with a bunch of strangers, learned the following about myself:

• A girl that can't tolerate 80's or 90's tunes likely won't last in a relationship with me. I mean seriously, who doesn't bob their head to The Proclaimers "500 Miles" when it comes on?!


• If you like your date's friends a lot more than your date, odds are that you should have driven in separate cars, because the ride home is going to be awkward.


• Second dates tell a lot about a person...unless your date doesn't talk. Then they tell even more.

Ok, so to explain my "keep in touch" moment...She dropped me off at my apartment without talking to me the entire ride, and I said something along the lines of "well this week is a bit crazy for me, but be sure to keep in touch so we can try to figure out another time to meet up." Then I wish I could say that there was an awkward pause, but the night was already one big pause in the first place, so there wasn't much awkward about it at this point. It was so silent that I felt like a fricking Garman navigator (i.e. turn left at Snelling. Go straight for 1 mile. Turn right on Larpenteur. Odds of a 3rd date...recalculating). Then, out of nowhere, it speaks! By the grace of God, she was able to say "Wait, what?" which took me totally by surprise, after which my reply was something like, "Uh buh." which sent her into an articlant rant about "if you're not into me just say it, yada yada." At that point, I was actually relieved because I knew that I didn't have to smooth it over. Let's face it, trainwrecks are rare, and thankfully this train derailed long before the collision.

Silver lining:

• The Roseville BW3's never fails with great wings and trivia.


• To be honest, I went on a much better date than this during the week, but I can't admit that it was planned, so I couldn't blog about it. Nevertheless it was fun, and a nice change to the week. Maybe it'll turn into something in the future.


• I had a fun happy hour get together in St. Paul with some co-workers and old friends. It's always fun to catch up on lost time, and even better, I think I have a couple of leads for future weeks as a result. One of them is someone I know, but not really well quite yet.

Stay tuned...I may have to switch things up next week.

OK52

Week 1

Code Name: Pink Scarf
Date: February 12, 2009
Time: 7:00pm
Location: St. Paul, MN

Details
Well if tonight was any indication of what the next 51 weeks are going to be like, then I've got a long road of awkward moments ahead of me. It was still fun to get back into the mix though.

Qualities
Nice, sweet, attractive, a big fan of The Office, running the Chicago Marathon, and a world traveler, which I'm envious of. She's a grad student studying theology here in the Twin Cities, and she'll graduate in a year and a half. She just got back from skiing in Canada in December. She is big into non-profit organizations and philanthropy, has one sister that lives in DC, and has parents that are different religions. Overall, she seems like a really cool person to get to know better over time.

Awkward Moments
Of course! But that's part of the gig on first dates. I'm sure they'll be less and less as time rolls along. One thing that didn't resonate well with me though were the fact that she was totally indecisive the entire night. There's a point where it would have been nice for her to make a suggestion, but we never got to that point. We talked for 2 hours over coffee and I kept all of the conversations going throughout the night. At some point I just wanted to say 'throw me a frickin' bone here.' Also, when I paid for her coffee, I didn't get a thank you. Last of all, when I thanked her for meeting up, she said' no problem' instead of something more cordial. Therefore, this leads me to my initial judgement:

Chances of a date with her next week: Slim

Silver Linings

• Thursday nights at Dunn Brothers Coffee on Grand Ave is great for acoustic shows.
• I didn't have to worry about an ass-out hug at the end of the night. It was more or less like a "band aid" ending to a night. Just rip it off and get back into the game next week.
• She invited me to BW3's in Roseville for wings next Monday.
• I don't have to worry about a Valentine's day gift for yet another year.

Ok off to Chicago. Catch up with ya'll next Friday. Until next time,

OK52

The Anatomy of "52: The Story of Owen Kings"

For those of you that are first time readers of this blog, it's probably a good idea to give you some background behind "52". Actually, one needs to back up even further to fully understand how this all came about.

February 13, 2008
In the midst of a ski trip to Colorado, I came to the realization that there were too many things in life that I was reliant upon. Cars, iPods, laptop computers, cable television...the list could go on for days. I made the decision to take a stand and quit something that I had been fully reliant upon for years: caffeine. Now many of you may chuckle when you think about all of the other things that I should have given up on instead: making funny sounds with my mouth, rooting for terrible sports teams, talking about Skyline Chili, or clinging to the belief that "Minnesota Nice" will eventually make its way to the Twin Cities. But to me, quitting caffeine made sense at the time. And don't underestimate the power of this glorious substance; it's in more things than you think. Coffee, soda, tea, chocolate...you name it, I quit it.

February 11, 2009
To be brief, it wasn't easy, but I made it an entire year without caffeine, and at noon today, I had my first coffee with some dear friends and colleagues that I work with at a local University. We began talking about the sleepless nights, the headaches, the turning points, the joys of a clear mind, and the feelings of success after accomplishing my goal. We also talked about what my next challenge would be. Many options were presented, and below are some of the finalists:

• Not shaving or getting a haircut for a year
• Having to pay cash for anything less than $20
• Working out at 6:00am every morning
• Not consuming any type of dairy product
• Going on a burrito strike (this was quickly axed. I may be dumb, but I'm not insane)

And then came an elaborate plan that seemed to resonate in everyone's ears except for mine. They wanted me to go on one date every single week out of the year. Now if you know me, dating is essentially a four letter word. I've had about as much luck with dating as I have with cars, Rogaine, and picking states that have great winter weather. There was NO WAY that I was going to agree to this...or was there?

Over time, I began to realize that although I'm generally a pretty selfless person, there are still too many times when I think that things should revolve around me. Maybe this dating thing wouldn't be such a bad idea if I could see it in the right light. So, reluctantly, I agreed to this proposition, which brings us to tonight. Below are the things that I have agreed upon for the next 52 weeks. There will no doubt be times of elation, frustration, and sheer confusion, but I'm determined to stick to my word. Here goes:

1. I will take someone on a date for 52 straight weeks.
2. A "date" will be considered at least a one hour period of time spent with a member of the opposite sex.
3. I am not required to take a different person on a date each week.
4. Multiple dates in one week do not count toward future weeks.
5. Dates do not need to take place in public places.
6. Dates cannot be random occurances. They must be planned prior to meeting.
7. Friends and colleagues are allowed to request the arrangement of a blind date for me, with the understanding that I may deny their request if another date has been scheduled.
8. Code names and/or symbols will be used to describe all dates. Their code name/symbol will likely relate to something that I took from the date.
9. Honesty, comedy, dry humor, and sarcasm will be strong points of my blogs, and they're welcomed in subscribers' comments as well.
10. I will post one blog about the week's date by Friday morning (Monday morning if the date occurs on the weekend) of each week.

Above all else, I want to make this next year of my life fun and enjoyable. In the words of my favorite band, "You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time." Until next time.

OK52